Recently I have been on a mission to get comfortable in my skin. It actually started with this blog. Life was throwing me a curveball, and I needed an outlet to feel like I was being heard. The blog has been great, I have always loved writing and I am very comfortable forming my prose behind a screen. The last few months I have pushed myself into real-life situations and it has been a game changer. These situations are all just normal, everyday stuff – but are way outside my comfort zone. Just thinking about it makes my heart race a little bit. First of all, I am not a hermit 🙂 Rather I have created a very predictable environment for the sanity of my family, though I have been using it as an excuse to ignore my existing “issues” and slowly losing myself in the process. I am curious to find out where this journey will take me!
As early on as middle school, I can remember having fairly low self esteem. The concept I have had of myself since age 13 has been very poor. So poor that I have very few photos of myself from the last 15 years. It literally took me five years at a new church to feel like I was supposed to be there, to believe that maybe people actually cared that I was there. That is probably not normal, in fact I hate that I second guess every.single.flipping.thing. Maybe many people suffer from this? I really have no idea, it is not a topic I have often brought up with other women.
As I get older, I have realized the importance of making connections with other people. This realization made me REALLY nervous. By nature, I am not very outgoing-every ounce of talking to new people is usually forced. Social situations make me nervous, I’m always worried I’m not “acting right”.
I have done a lot of socializing in the past few months. A lot. Pushing myself past what is comfortable for me has not been an easy task, in fact putting myself out there for judgement has been by far one of the most excruciating things I have done in a very long time. It took a lot of cramming that little second-guessing voice inside my head into a tiny little corner. In these short few months, I am feeling like a stronger person. I have met several amazing new people. Thank you new friends – whether you know who you are or not, for accepting me for me!
There will always be naysayers, you may not be everyone’s cup of tea, people are always going to find a problem with something that you do. You will not please everyone, it is impossible. Truth be told – if you are being true to yourself, being the best person you can be, living life without any malice in your heart, becoming a better person every single day – then you are doing what is important. Do right by your family, by yourself, by those close to you and for God – that is all that will matter in the end!
Sorry to get so deep! I have felt strongly about sharing my journey lately. I hope you have never struggled with these types of feelings – if you have, I hope you are on your own personal journey to get comfortable in your skin! Earlier I shared that I have taken very few photos of myself in the past 15 years. I have physically forced myself to start taking those ridiculous “selfies” since this July. I used to think of selfies at the ultimate snob fodder, for me they are therapy 🙂 The first picture I took of myself made me so uncomfortable that I could barely look at it. I sent it to my husband and his one-word reply was “beautiful”. To my husband, I am beautiful. To my children, I am beautiful. They do not say it because they have to, they say it because they mean it. That has been a hard pill for me to swallow, after 29 years of hiding myself. So next time you see my selfie – know that I am not stuck on myself, I am simply learning to love myself.